Older Digs and Bluebelles might remember the comedian called Jack Benny.
One of his trademark lines is my advice to the Blue Boys this week: “Now cut that out!”
There I was after 20-odd minutes of the first counting my heartbeats and wondering if I should break last week’s record and leave after the quarter and beat the traffic. More to the point, I felt like walking into the traffic. I wondered if a tram running over my wizened face would ironically alleviate my pain.
But like the Erratics, I persevered.
The second quarter began and I sat with my head in my hands muttering “Oy vay” which is Yiddish and loosely translated, “Only this far Gott. No farther.”
And then the lights in the Fulfillment Centre Stadium came on the Blue Boys woke up. A couple of quickies in time on and the horizon did not look that far off.
I spent the long break trying to figure out formulae that could see us coming back but gave up in disgust distracted by the Bomber fans surrounding me and giggling like five- year-old sugar-filled fiends.
Then the third and all thoughts of trams disappeared like Essendon’s skills and my mensch Brendan Jezzavola stated taking to sweet mincey steps that precede surgical cuts of the goal mouth. The boy would make a fine surgeon if only he could stay away from the Galway races.
Twenty minutes in and the only view the Bombers had of the game was our bums leading them to the ball. Now Baggers, bury the burglars alive, mewling and weeping. But no. They had to test an old-man’s heart first. So we passed wind for a quarter or so kicking goal for goal as my blood pressure mounted higher than the southern stand.
However, as I am wont to say, I was never worried.
Looking ‘round I noticed that the Essendon supporters (they all need supporters – athletic supporters) were looking a mite dyspeptic so I offered some friendly advice: “Why don’t you walk all the way home. The foot-ache might ameliorate the headache. What, you expected to win with a measly 48-point lead. Who did you think you were playing – Collingwood?”A diversion. The football field is a place for release rather than meditating on Rune Descartes theorems or critiquing the scholarship of St Thomas Aquinas.
Take mark. Kick ball. Man up. Repeat 15 times until fade out (or take a breather on the bench and release Josh Kennedy to get some more time on the turf)
It was Tom Alvin who provided me with the most profound advice when conducting a footy clinic in 1985. "Keep ya head over the ball" the great one mumbled to me. That was all he said that day.
Deep philosophical statements such as Cogito Ergo Sum never really bothered Tommy Alvin. The only Latin that he knew and embraced for ten years wearing the navy blue was "Mens Sana In Corpore Sano".The Golden Skullcap goes to Mincey Fev Jezzavola. Silvers to Carrazzo. Waite, Stevens and Scotland. A special bronze for the captain for vaguely resembling the Lance of old in the second half.
If you don’t rejoin the club after that effort, you don’t belong on our bandwagon. Call 1300 72 79 81 while membership stocks last. Next week we will foul the Weagles’ nest.
Carna Blues! – Terry Maher, James McCausland and Bryan McCausland.
Please Note: the views expressed in the above article are solely the opinion of the author and do not reflect the opinions of the Carlton Football Club or those employees of the Club. The Carlton Football Club would like to acknowledge the tireless work of those supporters who contribute to carltonfc.com.au.
