Dear Mickyman (that’s what I call him),

Wanted to let you know my thoughts on getting the Blues back up to the top where we belong. I realise you’re fairly new to the club, but next year it will be twenty years since we won a premiership. In the mind of the Carlton fan, that’s way too long (although I will concede we consider anything over three years way too long).

Firstly, Bryce Gibbs was great this year, so whatever you did/said to him, do it again. 

I liked Matthew Watson up forward. Seems he has to think less, which is a good thing, as clearly that giant head means it takes a while for messages to get sent to the rest of his body. But now it’s as simple as “Take mark. Kick goal.” Works for me. Let’s trial it again next season.

Daisy didn’t seem fit. Now I understand ankle surgery held him back, but have you considered that it might be deeper than that? I know you enjoy kick-to-kick with him before a game, so, based on that as a bonding exercise, you should hang out with him all the time over the pre-season. Like, all of it. So when Daisy hits the beach, you’re right there beside him with a bottle of 50+ keeping him sunsmart. When Daisy is out at a bar, you’re his wingman. If Daisy is having a bad dream, well, you’re right there, climbing into the top bunk to comfort him and tell him it’s all going to be ok. If you do all that he’ll have a cracking 2015 season.

Just a quick question - were you a cab driver in a past life? Because I’m wondering why we take the indirect way around the boundary, when we could go through the corridor and get to goal quicker? We don’t pay for each goal by metres travelled, so let’s go up the guts from now on.

And perhaps be nicer to the umpires? We got stitched up pretty badly, especially against Geelong twice, so I’m not sure if there’s history between you guys that’s hurting us, but it needs to be fixed. Maybe think about painting Razor Ray Chamberlain’s house over the summer. In Carlton colours of course.

Are your pre-game rev ups enough any more? We started poorly way too many times, so I think it’s something you need to look into. Perhaps a bit of added pressure or incentive? I’m not suggesting all out violence, but tasering someone who doesn’t seem all that focused will certainly get theirs (once they regain consciousness) and the group’s attention. And I’ve no doubt one of our shiftier supporters could supply you with one.

It’s great that Brock McLean is going around again, but have Yaz teach him to run faster. I’m no sport scientist, but surely it’s that simple.

And a pat on the back for your drafting of Cam Wood, who at the time was working for the Nova 100 promotions team in their cars. He proved to be a great success, so get your recruiters to see if there are any gun midfielders handing out Foo Fighters CDs in the Triple M Rock Patrols.

Drafting we could look at:

Another power forward would give us awesome scoring power, and I think Tom Hawkins would be a great fit. Geelong haven’t won a flag since 2011, so no doubt he’s keen to get off that sinking ship.

Nat Fyfe to replace Juddy. Clearly Melbourne is better than Perth (even you came back) so it makes sense. Look into it.

Most of the Swans. With Buddy and Tippet taking up 99.4% of the salary cap, the other players will only be getting paid about $40 a match (plus a Nandos voucher), so you know they’ll be looking for new homes. We should take advantage of that. Imagine Fyfe handballing to Tom Mitchell (technically Carlton anyway) who kicks it long to Sam Reid, who then handballs over the top to Tomahawk. Goal. Premiership window: OPEN.

So they’re my thoughts. Take them or leave th- actually, take them. They’re brilliant. 

And one last tip: maybe teach your players to rush the ball over the line to score a point that would win us the game against Essendon. It’s not a big deal, but a bit of joy by beating Essendon in the final game would’ve been nice.

Anyway, feel free to call or get me down to Visy Park to chat through my ideas. And if you like them, I’ve got heaps more. And some of them not as dumb.

Yours in premiership hope,

Adam