I was flat a couple of weeks ago. 

And I asked myself, “was it the fact we’re not playing finals?” No. 

“Was it the fact we never really had a full strength team on the field at any one time?” No.

“Was it the fact we dropped so many close games and lost to GWS?” No, and can I please stop bringing myself down with all these depressing questions.

No, it was because I thought the great man, Chris Judd – our Juddy – was going to give it all away. I had to imagine a midfield without him; of children [and way too many adults for my liking] with the number 5 on their backs in mourning; of not thinking he might be able to get us over the line no matter what the situation.

But then it all changed, and the sun shone once again. For Juddy announced He was to go on.

And from the top of the Southern Stand the great man with the white mouthguard did descend, and he handed me these commandments:

1. I am thy Juddy. Give it to me.
It doesn’t matter where [or who] you are, all Carlton players should look for Juddy first before considering any other option. Even if they’re in the goal square, on the goal line, have been given a 50 metre penalty - if Juddy is nearby I expect to be marking a goal down next to C. Judd in the Footy Record. Without fail.

2. One’s possessions must be contested
Sure, you can rack up 40 disposals on the outside. Heaps of people do that. But how many rack up 27 possessions with somehow 29 of them being contested? Only our Juddy. Before He came along, I don’t ever recall anyone trying to rip the ball from an opponent’s hands. But He wanted it so badly that’s what He did, and now it’s commonplace – including everyday life. Because, thanks to Juddy, when a kid thinks he has the last Easter egg, he’s now got another thing coming.

3. Thou shalt covet thy baldness
He knew the hair was disappearing quicker than Melbourne’s percentage, so he grabbed a set of clippers, put the #1 on them and just owned it. No weird islands of hair on the forehead floating away from the rest of the head. No comb over. No Brent Guerra “weren’t you bald yesterday?” questions. 

4. Ignore thy opponent’s tag
They go to Him every week. They hold Him. They turn their backs on the play. They block Him. They scrag Him. They hang on to His jumper for dear life. They don’t get a kick. He wins the Brownlow.

5. Thou shalt not commit a clanger
I’m sure at some point He’s committed one - perhaps even two - over the journey of his career, but can anyone really remember them? Certainly not me. And if there have been any, then surely the millions of ‘goods’ outweigh the occasional ‘bad’, right? So in my mind He’s been going at 100% effectiveness his whole career. And now we get another year of it.

6. Forgive thy sins
Like a chicken wing, or a pressure point, or the occasional eye gouge [pre-Carlton though, so technically it doesn’t count]. And let’s not judge; haven’t we all, when a situation gets out of hand at the supermarket, resorted to one, if not all, of those? I know I have. In fact, just last week I pressure pointed my Nana for too much parmesan cheese on my bolognese. She’s learned her lesson.

7. Thou shalt have the WAG to end all WAGs
My favourite weatherperson, Rebecca Judd [nee Twigley]. Was it not the Juddleys who began the now time honoured tradition [all 10 years of it] of wearing an outfit so stunningly plunging the rest of the world took notice? If not for them we may never have had Channel 7’s WAG rotisserie, spinning footballers’ partners around, allowing us a 360 degree view of a dress the players know [or care] nothing about.

Plus, with that gene pool, you know that kid is going to be a good-looking jet of a footballer. And that’s their daughter, Billie. Just imagine how good Oscar is going to be.

8. Thou shalt take a bounce whilst an opponent is within inches of thine back
The first game I saw Juddy play live was for Carlton. Streaming out of the centre, about to be tackled, and He decided to take a bounce. I recall thinking, “you fool Judd! You’ll get caught! Bring back Josh Kennedy!” 

He then produced an amazing burst of speed, like a Collingwood fan running from the scene of a crime, and not only left his would-be tackler in his wake but created enough separation to bang home the goal from fifty. And that’s when I thought, “so that’s why we traded for a Brownlow winner/Norm Smith medallist/premiership captain. Well played, Carlton. Well played.”

9. Tape thine shoulders.
Juddy does it without fail, and so should you. Even if you’re completely fine and have never had an issue with them, tape your shoulders in His honour. Because you never know when you might dislocate one reaching for a packet of chips on the top shelf.

And as a Visy ambassador Juddy makes sure all that strapping used in a game goes to African children with dodgy shoulders.

10. Remember thy Sabbath, the day Juddy tore Richmond apart in the 2013 Elimination Final
It was a sunny afternoon. We were six goals down. The Tiger army was roaring. 

Then in stepped Juddy. 

And the rest, as they say, was the most fun afternoon we’ve ever had in our lives! And when He kicked that goal at the city end to put us 10 points up half way through the last term... well, I can’t finish this sentence for the tears of pure joy in my eyes. Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudddddddddddy!!!