AS A SIX-YEAR-OLD, I was confused by Malcolm Fraser. Yes, former Prime Minister Malcolm Fraser. Growing up in a Whitlam household, Fraser was the ‘enemy’. I have vague recollections of a Malcolm dartboard on the back of the toilet door. So I was very confused to find out that Malcolm was a Carlton man.
Furthermore, Gough was a Collingwood man.
I loved Carlton. I had a Carlton jumper. I had Carlton players on my birthday cake. My Grandma even called me Harmsey. How could someone ‘bad’ share my love of Carlton? Didn’t that make him good? Just a bit? I made my first independent political decision. Malcolm Fraser must have been half good.
The fact is, being a Carlton supporter makes you a better person. To me, anyway. It makes you better looking, more talented and smarter. Normally, if you cut me off in traffic, I’m liable to honk and use language that would cost me a $240 on the spot fine. But if I spot a Carlton sticker, I’m more likely to smile, shake my head and think, ‘Cheeky!’ (Add a RRR sticker and I might buy you dinner.)
So when it comes to appraising celebrities, the conversation in my head goes something like this:
What do you think of Dave Hughes?He’s alright. I don’t watch that show he’s on very often, but I saw him do a funny bit about a crab-stick once.
You know he’s a Blues supporter, right?
Dave Hughes is a genius in Australian comedy. In the pantheon of great comedians, there’s Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby and Dave Hughes.
So…Olivia Newton John?
I have sisters. Please don’t make me watch Grease ever again.
Mad Blues fan.
Pass me the DVD, let’s re-live the lives and times of the Rydell High gang! YOU’RE THE ONE THAT I WANT! YOU ARE THE ONE I WANT! WOO HOO HOO etc.
Steve Hooker. Discuss.
What…the pole vaulter? Um…sure. Won Olympic gold.
Bagger.
The finest athlete Australia has ever known. If there was some sort of Steve Hooker merchandise, I would wear it.
Ok, how about Adam Zwar?
Who?
The one who’s not a dog on Wilfred.
Oh. Sure. Funny guy.
He’s a Carlton supporter.
The finest thespian Australia has ever produced. In the world championship of acting, I would pit him against Sean Penn, Dame Judy Dench and the dog from Frasier.
See? It’s that easy to become awesome. Throw on the Navy Blue. And if you’ve already got it on, congratulations. You’re already awesome. Maybe don’t cut me off in traffic though.
Who are your favourite famous Blues?
Ben Birchall is a writer, musician and co-hosts The Breakfasters on 3RRR in Melbourne
